I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
