sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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