He uses pillows to masturbate.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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