i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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