Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Randomize
