Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
