What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
