You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Randomize
