there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Randomize
