I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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