I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
3 2 1 whiskey
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
