yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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