Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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