ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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