At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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