This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
