We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
