ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
