I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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