he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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