Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
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