she takes plan B like it's going out of style
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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