I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I smell stomach acid.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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