I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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