we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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