got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
