WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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