Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
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