I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
