You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
