things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
