I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Randomize