My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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