Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
