he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
