she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
He better not be in your backpack
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
