You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Randomize
