Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
