so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
