Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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