She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
