does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I am midnight drunk by noon
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
