Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
