im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
where does the pee come out of this thing
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
