I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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