dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
