You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
