dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
There's always time for handjobs
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
