Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
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