I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
i black out too much to be "responsible"
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Randomize
