i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
