You don't have asthma, your pregnant
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
