Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
