think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
