You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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