today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
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