I think i peed on brittanys purse
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
