this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
