I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
