oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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