I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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