he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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